Please Don’t Tap The Glass
Written by Guest Blogger
Teresa Green, LMSW
While spending some much-needed girl time with my "bestie" Alice (what do adults call their best friend or their person nowadays? LOL), I found myself giving a play-by-play of a particularly life-force draining few days that sounded like a hockey game on fast forward and I was the puck! I was getting hit from multiple sides, forced to change direction often and without warning, and rarely achieved a goal. As a parent, wife, teacher, therapist, daughter, sister, friend and caregiver, I am not a stranger to being pulled in multiple directions regularly.
Let's be honest, we all juggle various responsibilities and roles every single day. We juggle our jobs, our careers, schooling, our family, children and friends, co-workers and neighbors, keeping our home space in working order, just trying to get our laundry done, gas up our cars, and remember to eat and get much-needed sleep. But some of those days seem to go much smoother than others. It's the rough days, where you find yourself irritated, overwhelmed, frustrated and ready to hide from the world that made me wonder what was causing those exhausting days to turn into battles that drain energy and leave us feeling depleted, both emotionally and physically.
For me, successful juggling has meant developing plans and schedules (I'm a list maker), practicing mindfulness principles, and setting boundaries. But lately, my juggling was losing its effectiveness. As I was describing (okay, I was whining) to Alice that I was on the brink of running away from all the current stress, we began to flush out what the core issue was. It wasn't poor scheduling or incomplete to-do lists, it wasn't a lack of planning or preparation. Even my active practice of staying focused and present in the current moment (AKA mindfulness) was still effective and helpful. That left my boundary setting as the likely area that needed adjustment.
For those of us who are juggling, setting boundaries is essential to the successful fulfillment of work tasks, responsibilities, and expectations. Much like putting the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door, we set boundaries by clearly communicating to others when our time is currently occupied. We may share our schedule or plans for the day to show we are busy. We turn off our technology, place our phones on silent or turn them off. We close doors, leave notes and messages and posts letting others know our activities and whereabouts. But there are two essential pieces of setting boundaries: boundaries must be clearly stated and boundaries must be firm. And this is where I was failing, causing me to feel like an animal behind a glass enclosure, like a fish in an aquarium tank or a gorilla on the other side of an observation area at a zoo. I believed that glass seemed like a sufficient boundary I had set but others were still approaching my glass and tapping, knocking, even banging in an effort to get my attention. I realized at that point that the "Please Don't Tap the Glass" sign either wasn't there, wasn't clear enough, or wasn't being enforced because I was finding myself responding like an anxious fish, hiding from the tapping or like the caged gorilla, angry and agitated by the tappers.
Much like putting the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door, we set boundaries by clearly communicating to others when our time is currently occupied.
When we commit to any action or activity, maintaining our focus and being fully engaged and present (there is that mindfulness again) during that time is critical to successful, positive outcomes. Distraction and interruptions can lead to poor work performance, missing details, dangerous mistakes, and forgotten steps, not to mention the emotional repercussions of frustration, irritation, and overwhelming distress. From something as simple as a phone call while grocery shopping that distracts you into forgetting the milk and garbage bags, to more serious consequences like missing remote call-in meetings when you work from home because the neighbor stopped by to ask for a favor, "glass tapping" comes in a variety of forms and from a variety of different directions.
In today's society, we are in danger of too much connection. Technology has wonderful benefits but one major downside is the growing expectation of instant access to each other thanks to cellular phones and social media platforms. Even when you have set clear boundaries, many people in your life will continue to call, text, message, post, Tweet, snap, etc expecting quick responses from you. If that quick response doesn't arrive, you may get the "what's wrong" and "are you mad at me" messages that can escalate to "fine, ignore me" anger. Others may leave numerous voicemails embedded with guilt-provoking statements like "I guess you are too busy for me". If you set clear, firm boundaries with the people in your life, you communicate to them that 1. they are important to you, 2. you give your full attention to your priorities, 3. you are currently engaged in another priority, and 4. you will give them your 100% when you are able. (Note: There will always be those who don't respect your boundaries no matter how clear and firm you make them. These people will continue to tap your glass due to their own personal issues. We call this OPS, Other People's Stuff, and that is a whole different discussion!)
So, how do we put up our "Please Don't Tap the Glass" sign and reduce feeling bombarded?
Remember that you cannot be everything to everyone all the time. It is okay to have limits on how much you can do and it is okay just say "no". This does NOT make you weak or selfish or uncaring. This is a necessary life skill and shows you are a responsible and self-aware person as it stops us from over-committing, from feeling stretched too thin, and from only being able to give partial time/energy/focus to priorities that need our 100% efforts.
Research shows that multitasking is actually NOT more efficient in most cases so tackle one thing at a time whenever possible.
Remind yourself to stay present and focused in the moment, on the task or activity you have prioritized for this period of time.
Once you have set your priorities and made your plan, stick with it. Of course, there are times when an unavoidable, urgent crisis must take center stage in your life. But on a day-to-day basis, keeping yourself clear on your priorities will ensure that you are making choices that meet your personal needs and align with your life plan.
Set your boundaries! Clearly tell people when you need them to not tap your glass, that you will be unavailable at specific times, on specific days, etc.
Don't assume that others know your schedule or when you WILL be available for them - COMMUNICATE
Turn off or silence technology whenever possible, otherwise distractions are inevitable and you fail to be fully present and engaged in your current moment.